Saturday, August 26, 2006
[*i.T f.iNaLL.y h.aPp.eN*] ...i'm finally going to say this. i've been holding it back. i didn't want to say it for reasons or circumstances that i feared. but now, i guess i'll just be truthful and be myself. i'm not gonna hide it any longer, i'm gonna be truthful about it.
well, this has got nothing to do with any relationship. in fact, it is about my spiritual walk/ life. i've come to a point now where i wanna start a house/ home church, whatever you may call it. i don't feel that church is a safe place for me anymore. i don't feel i can connect with people on a personal basis. no one really knows me for who i am. except for an exceptional lot of people. but they are leaving to go other places. and now, i'm all alone in that church.
when i found two of them in this church, i was really happy that God gave me such wonderful people who i'll be with for the longest time. della came along and i had 3 most wonderful people to share my life with. they (della, dora, andre i.e. people in church whom i could connect to) were there for me, shared many times with me and they knew me and loved me for everything that i am.
but now, they're leaving this church where our strong friendships were forged. and i'm gonna be alone without them. but i guess i still have God. i guess the reason why i wanna start a house church is because of them. i wanna be with them, at least to be able to know that they're all right, they're fine and most importantly, they're happy. as a friend, a sister, i wanna do that for them. it's the most, the best i can ever give. and maybe, it might require me to let go. it'll be painful, but i guess if it's what God wants, what they want, i'll accept it. cos it's their happiness that matters. and i love them so.
i'm very unhappy with the church. very very unhappy. i'm not growing spiritually at all. i'm not feeling God's touch in church anymore. but i'm feeling it everywhere but church. and i'm tired and now, i just wanna take a rest and just let God lead me. it's too tiring just going to church now. it's not to say that there's a problem with the church cos everyone is different, and because of that, i'm feeling this way about the church.
i still love God. i still love Jesus. i'm still a child of God.
it's just that i'm really tired and i guess for now, i'll just take a rest and admire the flowers around me. i'm sorry if i disappointed anyone. i'm just tired. tired of everything. tired of humanity.
love,
cheryn.
P.S. if you have anything to say about this just say it. i'm receptive to people's opinions. but don't bother to change me if you want cos i'm not one to be easily influenced by others.
posted at 8/26/2006 09:02:00 pm
